At school, I have been studying Buddhist philosophy and it has totally opened me up to a whole new way of looking at life. I'm not going to leave all my loved ones and commitments I have now and become a Buddhist nun, I'm too selfish for that (at this point in my life). It has made me think about how I think of everything in life; impermanence. Everyone finds change difficult if it is against their wishes. If we realise, understand and accept that nothing is permanent in life, we will no longer suffer. Although, I don't want a life free of suffering, I want to have perspective on what happiness is and what sadness is. I've been reading Epistemology and Buddhist philosophy and I am aiming to live the Middleway Path; no extremes. It's difficult but I know it will benefit me. If I have my mind set on something, I usually go to the absolute extreme.Most of my free time, I spend with my boyfriend, but last weekend, I spent some time with an old friend who has left school. We went to a small, fresh cafe and we talked about everything. This included a devastational breakup with her boyfriend. She used to be the person who would deliberately emphasise her emotions to receive attention but she has changed so much. She has so much wisdom and she has learnt so much. She really helped me out. She tried to get me to understand that there is more to life than I think there is. I would say that I know that but the more I think about it, I do not. I realised how ignorant I am.
Recently, I have been an emotional wreck. The frustrating thing is, is that I have absolutely no reason why I should be like this. It's purely worrying about the future; fear of the unknown and the possibility of things changing against what I wish. It's like if things don't work out how I hope they will, my life will end and there won't be any point of me living and I will be lost if it goes the way I don't want it. I try to tell myself that this is not the case but something is not allowing myself to realise that. That something is me. In the past, I've tried to live for the here and now and I just don't think my mind is wired like that, sure I can have so much fun and be incredibly happy (usually being in tears of pure joy) at the time but in terms of the bigger picture, I live for what will happen in the future. After listening to a self help audio CD, I realised how dominating my chatterbox - the voice in my head - is. So, so much energy I have wasted worrying and getting unbearably stressed about the most silly, irrational things, I could have been using that energy positively, creating positive Karma. Easier said than done but I am trying.
As I said, the annoying thing is, I should be the most happiest, elated person right now. My relationship is absolutely perfect; literally my dream come true (I mean, I have shown him how worried I can be and yet, he says that this is why he loves me... I have no idea how he thinks this. I am just so relieved that I am not pushing him away), school is going great and I am ahead and on top of all my courses at school, violin is going well and I'm on track with my upcoming exams, work experience is very beneficial and rewarding, Duke of Edinburgh is going smoothly, dancing is going well and we are learning dances for our Christmas show, my relationships with my family are even better than ever (and they have always been good). Everything is going smoothly and yet, my mind still finds a way to be unreasonably stressed and constantly buzzing.
The only time I can have a proper night's sleep is when I am with my boyfriend because he is there physically with me. Any other night, I am lying there, pathetically weeping for several hours. I really don't know what's going on with me and I really wish I did because I find it very frustrating. When I come back home from visiting my boyfriend, I go in to such a depressed state and my family ask questions like, "are you and Jo alright? Did you have an argument?" When in fact I had a blissful time and we are brilliant. I think it is pathetic, I really do. I just feel that there's only the shell of me left when I am away from him and I have left all of "me" with him. I can't really describe it very well but it's something like that.
This is a post purely for my own frustration but I think the gained knowledge of Buddhist philosophy has made me learn something that I've been trying so hard to put off and it's forcing me to think realistically. That's something I'm not a fan of.
