I am on the verge of a new beginning. So much is unknown and the unknown is so close but it might as well be a million years away. The anticipation has struck the birth of a new sense of self. Who am I going to be? What am I going to do? I'll do good, I know that. Everyone at this point of my life is thinking the same, everyone I've spoken to about it has said the same thing. We've not long left high school and about to start and "adult life" - just what is that? Not long after my 18th birthday, I have been more involved in finances, insurances and organising a new home of my own. It just seemed to just suddenly all happen as soon as I turned 18 last month!
It's that feeling of not always having your parents there to help you out. I have to do more things myself now and I like that idea. Right now, I have this mind set of starting a running race and the starting gun is about to go off any second but said second is a v-e-r-y l-o-n-g one. I'm just about to start running but it's that feeling of huge tension before you start. I have to do my exams first and that is what is making this "second" so slow. My first exam is on Monday and it's maths - which I love. I have been doing lots of studying for it. I really hope it will go alright.
At this point for everyone my age, it is strange. No one really knows what they are doing in the next few months. Sitting here, in my kitchen, typing this, I think that I'll be alright and that I will cope with the new setting (going from a isolated farm bothy to an industrialised city) and the new people and the new home will be exciting but it will take a bit of getting used to, as it always is. As I have never moved house before, it will be difficult for me to leave my home as that is the only thing I have known. The situation of moving away from my family will be hard, too. I have a brilliant relationship with my family and I will miss them; probably more than I will realise.
Many people say that everyone changes so much between this time and when they are in their first year of university. I believe that I will become more confident, more aware of the world and more independent but I don't think that I will change myself. Who knows? Then again, I think back through my high school years. First year - I didn't know anyone and was the daily laughing stalk. From then, I turned in to the famously named "goth/emo/metal-head" type category. I did not have trouble with self harm but I did suffer from a body image disorder for a couple of years.
By the start for 3rd year, there was one day I woke up with my eyes as black as a panda's with my make up from the day before still on my face and walked over to the mirror and stared. I said, "what am I doing? This isn't me." and from then, I gradually got more and more colourful, my music taste broadened and now I love all music genres. For example, right now, I am listening to Beyonce and before that I was listening to My Chemical Romance. Now, it is Two Door Cinema Club. That's just 3 songs in my ever expanding iTunes library with every genre under then sun. From 3rd year, I didn't give myself much time to create myself in to anyone in particular. By the middle of 4th year, my body image disorder had dwindled away slowly but surely. I focussed on school and did not have much of a social life. It was only after my standard grade exams did I venture outside my house to see fellow human beings of a similar age. From going to my first party after exams, I met a boy who is now my current boyfriend who I have numerously mentioned so I do hope I've not irritated people with that.
Since that party, my life has become more and more beautiful. I didn't cope with 5th year at school very well and got myself far too wound up and stressed. I feel genuinely sorry to anyone who had to put up with my stress-related rants (there were many). I did not do that badly in my 5th year exams but not as well as I deserved - I dedicated my whole life to getting the best grades I could possibly get and only 1 or 2 of my results out of 5 had demonstrated that. However, other aspects of my life were lovely and this kept me from breaking down. So I am ever thankful for that.
The last year of school was very busy. It was a non-stop buzz of work, volunteering, applying, organising and the increasing need to see my boyfriend more and more as our feelings deepened for each other. I really enjoyed my last year of school - It was my favourite. It was light-hearted and exciting, it kept me busy which is what I like but it was not too busy so I didn't get stressed. I have passed every NAB during 5th and 6th year which I think is a good achievement. On the last day of school ever, there was the annual carry-on but I didn't take part in any of the shenanigans, I observed. I just got my blazer completely graffiti-ed with signatures for various teachers and as many of my class mates as possible. At the time, you don't appreciate your time at school but I remember thinking on my last day, "Yeah, that was good, wasn't it!" and going home smiling the whole way, reminiscing all my experiences and everything that I have gained.
There has been a lot of change throughout my school life but I have never changed my personality, just different aspects have been enhanced and I have felt more comfortable to show my emotions and to be more confident in myself. So maybe I will radically change in the next year - everything around me will, so maybe I will too.
So here I am, finished school, unemployed and completely and utterly clueless about this "adult-life" that I about to live.
Any tips?
Friday, 18 May 2012
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Excitement
There has been so much going on recently and I do enjoy the constant flow of new experiences and the anticipation of what's to come. It's not all been lovely and flowery, there has been a lot of anxiousness and stress as well as a lot of happiness and love.
My mother has recently been awarded her PhD and because for years and years she has been up on her feet; working full time, having my sister and me to drive us everywhere, house work and her PhD. It has been an ongoing strain on her mental and physical state. It had started to take it's toll and she had to get an operation. As none of our close family members had never undergone and general anesthetic, we were all on edge for a while. My mother is not an optimistic person and she was not confident about it. She'd make jokes about not surviving the operation and I could tell that she had truly thought that that would happen to her. She said, "things like that never seem to go right for me" and it scared the hell out of me. I kept my positiveness and reassured her about it. The day of the operation was as painful as ever. When I saw her after the operation, I have never been so relieved in my life. It wasn't a good experience for any of us to go through but now she is better off and we all appreciate her more even though we thought we did a lot already. We are all so glad that the operation went so well and so is she!
It's that time of year again for exams. I am feeling much better about everything this year. Last year was ridiculous and I didn't cope well at all. Hopefully everything will turn out alright - I am positive which is good and people have been shocked about how much better I am handling it. Exams effect me so much. I still am very stressed about them and I broke my retainer braces due to me clenching my teeth in my sleep and strange dreams to do with exams and not being able to get to sleep because I'm trying to think through everything but it's not every night so I'm glad about that! I have 4 exams this year and my first is on the 21st of this month. I have been working hard for all my subjects so I hope the exams will go well. I'll be glad when they are all over and then I can enjoy a long summer holiday in which I plan to get a job, pass my driving test and have parties.
Today has been very exciting. We have been looking for flats for a few months now and we had a flat that we had offered for but we didn't get it. We were all disappointed but it obviously wasn't for us. I had then thought; by the looks of the way the market is; less and less flats available and the ones that are on the market are way outwith our budget, we haven't got much chance of getting a flat this year. I was beginning to look in to alternatives when my mother had received a phone call asking if we were still interested in a flat that had been taken off the market briefly and so we said yes and went to view it. Basically, long story short, we have the flat! This means that my boyfriend and me have officially got our first flat together. It's in a marvelous location, good sized rooms and a lovely well-kept garden. We are so excited!
I can't wait!
My mother has recently been awarded her PhD and because for years and years she has been up on her feet; working full time, having my sister and me to drive us everywhere, house work and her PhD. It has been an ongoing strain on her mental and physical state. It had started to take it's toll and she had to get an operation. As none of our close family members had never undergone and general anesthetic, we were all on edge for a while. My mother is not an optimistic person and she was not confident about it. She'd make jokes about not surviving the operation and I could tell that she had truly thought that that would happen to her. She said, "things like that never seem to go right for me" and it scared the hell out of me. I kept my positiveness and reassured her about it. The day of the operation was as painful as ever. When I saw her after the operation, I have never been so relieved in my life. It wasn't a good experience for any of us to go through but now she is better off and we all appreciate her more even though we thought we did a lot already. We are all so glad that the operation went so well and so is she!
It's that time of year again for exams. I am feeling much better about everything this year. Last year was ridiculous and I didn't cope well at all. Hopefully everything will turn out alright - I am positive which is good and people have been shocked about how much better I am handling it. Exams effect me so much. I still am very stressed about them and I broke my retainer braces due to me clenching my teeth in my sleep and strange dreams to do with exams and not being able to get to sleep because I'm trying to think through everything but it's not every night so I'm glad about that! I have 4 exams this year and my first is on the 21st of this month. I have been working hard for all my subjects so I hope the exams will go well. I'll be glad when they are all over and then I can enjoy a long summer holiday in which I plan to get a job, pass my driving test and have parties.
Today has been very exciting. We have been looking for flats for a few months now and we had a flat that we had offered for but we didn't get it. We were all disappointed but it obviously wasn't for us. I had then thought; by the looks of the way the market is; less and less flats available and the ones that are on the market are way outwith our budget, we haven't got much chance of getting a flat this year. I was beginning to look in to alternatives when my mother had received a phone call asking if we were still interested in a flat that had been taken off the market briefly and so we said yes and went to view it. Basically, long story short, we have the flat! This means that my boyfriend and me have officially got our first flat together. It's in a marvelous location, good sized rooms and a lovely well-kept garden. We are so excited!
I can't wait!
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