Well I can't tell you exactly how long it's been since I had an exercise routine but I can tell you that it's been ages. As I write this, my arms are shaking because I've just done my ceremonial first workout. It was Level 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. It was tough but I feel good now that I have done it. I remember doing it before and thinking it was very manageable. That's a distant memory now. I'm going to keep a journal - this being one outlet - to keep track of what I have done and when. I'm not going on a diet because I eat not too bad already and I don't want to be restrictive of my eating because I get too restrictive.
I don't know how much I weigh, but like the diet, I am not going to weigh myself because my mindset gets unhealthy and obsessive. So what I will do is go by how I feel and what I see. That's good enough for me. I enjoy Jillian's workouts because there's no bullshit - it's straight to the point and she kicks your butt. I know the workouts work for me and the results a relatively quick. I remember one summer, I found the workouts on YouTube and did it 3-4 times a week as well as running and that transformed my body. For me now it's not summer and I can't see myself running with the colder weather and darker nights. Jillian's workouts will do. One thing I do find difficult is keeping it going, making exercise sustainable. It's either all or nothing with me. I am either a fitness fanatic with an 8 pack (I actually did at one stage) or a couch potato and exercise doesn't even come into my radar. The latter has been me for the last year and a half or something crazy like that.
What have done with my eating is making it more varied. I do have a tendency to eat the same things and be quite uncreative with food. I do know that the more I exercise the better I eat anyway. It's like my body knows what it needs a lot better when I use it more!
My aims just now are to feel stronger and to look stronger. I am wanting more toned arms and stomach and the rest of my body will follow on from that incidentally anyway. For now, I think I'll try to do Level 1 workout twice a week for a while and see how it goes. I just need to keep my motivation up! I'm not really sure how to though!
Thursday, 20 October 2016
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Cruelty - free, vegan cosmetics
In previous posts, readers will be well aware that I have used and reviewed products made by MAC cosmetics and L'oreal. I was unaware of the fact that they were not cruelty-free. Now that I know these things, I am no longer going to buy anything from them. I am aware that L'oreal also own a lot of other companies...including YSL and The Body Shop. Whenever I do some cosmetics shopping, I'm going to make sure they are cruelty-free.. even better if they're also vegan and organic.
I wish I could take back my actions and ensure that I have never bought make up that has tested on animals. Being a vegetarian, it makes it all the more meaningful to me.
I have done my homework on cruelty-free and animal rights. I read the PETA website often and follow them on Twitter. Even if the pictures are nasty and the stories are cruel, I am glad that I have read them and saw them because I feel more in control about what I spend my money on. I don't want to give these companies my money and advocate what they do. I know what the phrase "ignorance is bliss" means and I can apply it to this. There I was enjoying MAC's foundation completely unaware of what had been done to innocent animals. I thought "wow, this is a great foundation. I don't think I'll ever choose any other." Boy was I wrong. I am never going back to MAC or any other company that isn't cruelty free.
Good day.
I wish I could take back my actions and ensure that I have never bought make up that has tested on animals. Being a vegetarian, it makes it all the more meaningful to me.
I have done my homework on cruelty-free and animal rights. I read the PETA website often and follow them on Twitter. Even if the pictures are nasty and the stories are cruel, I am glad that I have read them and saw them because I feel more in control about what I spend my money on. I don't want to give these companies my money and advocate what they do. I know what the phrase "ignorance is bliss" means and I can apply it to this. There I was enjoying MAC's foundation completely unaware of what had been done to innocent animals. I thought "wow, this is a great foundation. I don't think I'll ever choose any other." Boy was I wrong. I am never going back to MAC or any other company that isn't cruelty free.
Good day.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
My violin is back in its place in my room again.
I have begun teaching violin now. I teach a very keen young lady and she is doing great! She has some issues that prevent her from showing her true abilities. She has Down's Syndrome but I don't, she doesn't and her family doesn't want that to define her. She has some visual issues and hearing issues but she has shown me that she is capable of so much and I have no doubt that she will do well as she makes such a lovely sound on her violin.
Her mother's attitude at the beginning was that she could "have a go and see what happens" but she held a little concert for them yesterday at her lesson and she treated it like a real concert and had a round of applause after each piece. One of which I was extremely impressed by because she was following the music, distinguishing the long notes and short notes and she kept a steady, even tempo throughout the piece. It was fabulous and she even did a little bow at the end of the performance. She is loving it and I love that I am giving her the opportunity to learn the violin. It gave me confidence and a profound appreciation for music and I hope that she can find that within herself too.
It has changed me as well. It's changed the way I look at my violin. I played violin since the age of 8 and it was a roller-coaster ride of polishing my violin out of love and addiction and the struggle of not quitting. I love violin but it's been very much a love/hate relationship. Practising can be painful to go through - the sound(!) and after a while, your arms and clavicle bone gets sore. I played throughout my entire school career and I experienced so many exciting opportunities through my violin. I played in the annual school shows in a string ensemble and in the county string orchestra which was truly a magical experience. I finished playing for the orchestra on first desk of first violins and loved the sound that we created together. We performed every Spring in a concert hall and it gave me so much ownership of the music and so much self-importance.
The adrenaline that goes through your body and the energy that is created is wonderful! It's almost orgasmic playing as part of an orchestra. It allowed me to bring black blobs on a page to life and play good music and I cannot thank my teachers enough for allowing me to learn how to do this. Through doing violin, I was able to make new friendships, meet the love of my life (J - my partner) and actually teach someone else the same skills.
The great thing about teaching her how to play the violin and to read music is that this will improve her development in her numeracy work and literacy work as it has been proven by research to benefit these areas. I know that it's feeding her soul too. She is excited by what sounds she can create and she is proud of what she produces. She is keen to perform and do things herself and it is fantastic to watch and listen to her grow. I am so proud of her and I hope that she sees that I am proud. I hope she is proud of herself and I hope that she continues to like playing the violin.
I actually stopped playing the violin after I finished high school and I was very nervous about getting my violin out of our spare room and dusting off the cobwebs! It was almost as if the violin warmed and brightened the room as I opened the case and I got myself familiar with the beautiful instrument yet again. It was only a year and a half but it was quite nerve-racking. It is surprising how much my body remembers about playing the violin. I was soon playing all my favourite tunes again with so much happiness. I want to thank R very much for giving this back to me. I want to give the same to her. I want to thank R for getting my violin back in the space it belongs. I am looking forward to seeing her progress further and I can't wait to see what it will bring her in life because I know she will continue to be great.
Her mother's attitude at the beginning was that she could "have a go and see what happens" but she held a little concert for them yesterday at her lesson and she treated it like a real concert and had a round of applause after each piece. One of which I was extremely impressed by because she was following the music, distinguishing the long notes and short notes and she kept a steady, even tempo throughout the piece. It was fabulous and she even did a little bow at the end of the performance. She is loving it and I love that I am giving her the opportunity to learn the violin. It gave me confidence and a profound appreciation for music and I hope that she can find that within herself too.
It has changed me as well. It's changed the way I look at my violin. I played violin since the age of 8 and it was a roller-coaster ride of polishing my violin out of love and addiction and the struggle of not quitting. I love violin but it's been very much a love/hate relationship. Practising can be painful to go through - the sound(!) and after a while, your arms and clavicle bone gets sore. I played throughout my entire school career and I experienced so many exciting opportunities through my violin. I played in the annual school shows in a string ensemble and in the county string orchestra which was truly a magical experience. I finished playing for the orchestra on first desk of first violins and loved the sound that we created together. We performed every Spring in a concert hall and it gave me so much ownership of the music and so much self-importance.
The adrenaline that goes through your body and the energy that is created is wonderful! It's almost orgasmic playing as part of an orchestra. It allowed me to bring black blobs on a page to life and play good music and I cannot thank my teachers enough for allowing me to learn how to do this. Through doing violin, I was able to make new friendships, meet the love of my life (J - my partner) and actually teach someone else the same skills.
The great thing about teaching her how to play the violin and to read music is that this will improve her development in her numeracy work and literacy work as it has been proven by research to benefit these areas. I know that it's feeding her soul too. She is excited by what sounds she can create and she is proud of what she produces. She is keen to perform and do things herself and it is fantastic to watch and listen to her grow. I am so proud of her and I hope that she sees that I am proud. I hope she is proud of herself and I hope that she continues to like playing the violin.
I actually stopped playing the violin after I finished high school and I was very nervous about getting my violin out of our spare room and dusting off the cobwebs! It was almost as if the violin warmed and brightened the room as I opened the case and I got myself familiar with the beautiful instrument yet again. It was only a year and a half but it was quite nerve-racking. It is surprising how much my body remembers about playing the violin. I was soon playing all my favourite tunes again with so much happiness. I want to thank R very much for giving this back to me. I want to give the same to her. I want to thank R for getting my violin back in the space it belongs. I am looking forward to seeing her progress further and I can't wait to see what it will bring her in life because I know she will continue to be great.
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
My (Unconventional) Vision Quest
When I said things were changing in my last post, it didn't stop there. Since May, I've had the hardest time of my life to date and its all to do with coping and adapting to change. I've not allowed myself to reflect on this until now because my thoughts were all still very muddled, raw and hard to manage. To a certain extent, it's still the case now.
So in my last post I spoke about starting to realise who I really am and finding my own strength. This was true but it brought me into a place that was very vulnerable. Almost like I was thrown into the deep end far too soon. This was very scary. During my summer my boyfriend moved out. Not because of relationship problems (but this made me realise that our relationship wasn't the flawless, perfect relationship I was so utterly convinced it was) but because of a "deal" J and his parents made as part of him living with me. They pay for his rent and did so all summer but unless he had a job in the city or "another good reason" that meant that he had to stay here, he was to stay at home. This "deal" to this very moment fills me with so much frustration and anger as I still don't fully understand it.
It caused us both a lot of stress. We had been living together for 1 year and I wasn't aware of how attached and dependent I was on J. I didn't feel it at the time but when I knew he was actually moving out, I became increasingly needy and clingy - as you would if you realise that your partner is moving out against both of your accords. Plus, with the prospect of living on your own for 4 months. It was a big change and I refused to accept the reality of it. This made my life very hard. I was on my own in the flat and I felt I couldn't do anything. I would sit or lie on the couch or my bed and cry. I tried to feel happy about things but it's like I'd been left completely alone. I know my family were there to support me and I knew I had friends that cared about me but it was the simple fact that I didn't have J there with me. I couldn't even listen to music because it would be too often that lyrics would trigger anxiety or sadness. It affected me so much that I had panic attacks and was in a constant state of anxiety when I was on my own. It was a testing 4 months. And it still does test me.
Right now I am on my own in the flat and I do feel okay about it but I do occasionally glance at the clock to see how much time I have left of being on my own. J and I are still together but it's been a rocky 4 months. I felt that it was so unjust of J's parents that I just did not want to see them because the anger inside of me boiled up; I had palpitations and stress levels so high that I just did not want to be in the vicinity of them. Everything they said or did seemed patronising, annoying and nasty at my expense.
Loneliness is such a hard thing to cope with because I felt powerless and frustrated. It was hard to think positively when I wasn't a good enough reason for J to stay with me. I didn't want to sound big-headed and still don't now but I think that I am a good enough reason for J to continue to stay living with me. It was like the next step in our relationship was disrupted and for, in my opinion, a crap reason.
However, throughout the summer I did have some really rewarding and positive experiences. As well as the flat being spotless all the time, I was also the fittest I've ever been in my life. That's including ballet dancing from the age of 4. I am more fit now than I was then. Great! I'm more happy with my physique than ever - even worked myself a nice 6 pack. I can run for 10 km no problem. This is really good progress for me and it was a massive help to me during the summer.
I did make the effort to meet up with friends but they had all gone home too. I felt that everyone I knew around me had fled and this made me feel even more isolated and alone. I kept up my job which was also a huge help. I worked at after school clubs, nurseries and a special needs play scheme that was extremely rewarding. I met lots of people during the summer through my job. It opened a lot of doors for me and it was very exciting. This brought me a lot of happiness and boosted my self-esteem. I also read what I consider the best book that I've ever read. It was almost like it was written for me. The next section/chapter seemed to be the battle I was fighting at the time. This made me think of Carl Jung's theory of Synchronicity.
This book that I am referring to is: The Art of Happiness. It talks about guilt, anxiety/worry, anger, frustration, stress and a host of other things humans experience (and animals too). It also gives you advice and examples of meditations that you can do to help you alleviate these negative feelings. It was such a pleasurable read because you really feel like you are in the room with the Dalai Lama and Cutler. I do recommend this book to anyone and everyone. It applies to you no matter how happy you think you are.
About half-way through my gruelling summer, there was a week of bliss. The memories of this are so utopian and rose-tinted. It was literally a holiday in heaven. I went to France with J and his family for a week. We spent half of the holiday in Nice and the other half of the holiday in Greolieres. We stayed in a beautiful hotel just by the sea in Nice. In Greolieres we stayed in an adorable bed and breakfast in the mountains and went to an outdoor Pagan wedding which was just magical. What's more, it was J and I's 3 year anniversary on the same day. It was the perfect day. There is nothing I would change about it. The lovely thing that I took from the holiday was that I got to see fireflies in real life! I had always wanted to see them and I was able to. It was just wonderful.
The last day was like a reality check since I knew that things would go back to how they were before the holiday. I knew that I would go back to the flat and J would go to his house. A part of me had hope that J's mum and dad would allow J to move back in. That didn't happen. Going back to an empty flat again was hard as it had so much associated negativity. Admittedly, it wasn't as hard as the first night alone in the flat. I had work the next day so I was busy.
The most surprising thing did happen though. J got a job in the city about a month before the summer ended which meant that he was moving back into the flat. This was great news. It was what I was wanting to hear since the day I knew he had to move out. I felt like I was the only one trying to get him a job in the summer because J was not picking up his slack to find a job, his parents were no longer encouraging to get one because he was at home doing the chores (baring in mind that he was 18 at the time). I felt that I was the only one trying and I felt cheated. When he did get his job, he had to do a training course in London. During this week, he and I hardly spoke to each other which made me feel like I had low priority in his thoughts. This wasn't the case as he told me he was very busy when he came back.
In that week, however, my best friend who had been away for a year had come back from Peru. It was amazing to see her and we talked about our experiences over the last year. It seemed that neither of us had the best time recently but the summer was drawing to a close and that was good news for both of us. I spent a lot of time with friends that week and that along with the prospect of J moving back in was making me happier.
When J did move back in, there was something not quite right. When we met again after he came back from London, I did not feel the same warmth and love from him. He seemed preoccupied with his job and didn't seem to rejoice with me. I was so eager to see him and to get back into how we were but I didn't see the excitement and anticipation in him that I felt. I know that he loved me then and I definitely know that he loves me now. I know and understand that more than ever.
The really scary part was when I questioned myself if I still loved J. This was the most scary thing I asked myself. I asked myself if I really wanted to be with him. Am I with the right person? These questions made me bed-ridden. I was so anxious and scared by myself that I made myself ill. I had sickness and diarrhoea for a week and a half. Thankfully, university didn't start back until the following Monday. I have never been so ill with anxiety before. I tell J everything and this was one of the things I told him. It was a grim time for both of us. He was working full time and I was crying in bed; unable to eat, unable to think straight and shaking with fear. J was distressed and scared. I've never seen him cry in before but I did in August. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The worries haunted me for months.
I'd never let myself think that before and this led me to question everything I thought I knew about myself. I was striving for a reason behind why I was thinking these things and I was stressed because I did not know why I was questioning my feelings. I questioned my own beliefs - am I a devout Catholic? How do I know? I felt like I was loosing the ability to separate what was real and what wasn't. How does anyone know if what they think is just them telling them what to think? How does anyone know what they feel is true? I was questioning myself with all these things because of the questions I was asking. These were huge questions and completely new ones at that. These were questions that were completely alien to me. I never had the capacity to even think to think they were possible questions before and the fact that I was thinking them also scared me.
Two months on and I am feeling better about things. J and I are still together and we are both happier. I reflect on the "old us" and I realise that the relationship wasn't perfect - no relationship is. I feel that I have more self-confidence and I don't just settle for J's decisions all the time. I feel that I can stand my ground better and I feel like I can stand my ground longer. I feel like I've shoved him along the sofa a little bit so I can fit on it more. It feels more equal but I still am trying to get to grips with things. It's like everything stayed the same around me. Nothing major happened externally but I changed a lot inside and I was put to the test.
It's like I'm reintegrating back into a new life where everyone is the same but I am different and that's why the title of this post is what it is. It wasn't going out into the woods for 4 days without food, no roof over your head and no other people around. I had food, I had a roof over my head and there were people around me but I felt that the one person that wasn't makes the experience equivalent because of my mindset and situation. I was too used to J being around, I was too used to getting all of life's happiness from one source - him. When he moved out, so did I. I was left as a shell. I fought myself back but it was not easy. I realise now that I lost myself in so much devotion and so much attachment and it was unhealthy for both of us.
Now, I feel like I've got more of a grip on things and that the world is a big place with so much possibility and opportunity. With that new discovery and realisation (which I know sounds obvious), I was trying, and to a certain extent, still am trying to find out what I want and who I am. But isn't everyone? It was a test. A very hard one. It was also a lesson. I just hope that it brings us both happiness.
So in my last post I spoke about starting to realise who I really am and finding my own strength. This was true but it brought me into a place that was very vulnerable. Almost like I was thrown into the deep end far too soon. This was very scary. During my summer my boyfriend moved out. Not because of relationship problems (but this made me realise that our relationship wasn't the flawless, perfect relationship I was so utterly convinced it was) but because of a "deal" J and his parents made as part of him living with me. They pay for his rent and did so all summer but unless he had a job in the city or "another good reason" that meant that he had to stay here, he was to stay at home. This "deal" to this very moment fills me with so much frustration and anger as I still don't fully understand it.
It caused us both a lot of stress. We had been living together for 1 year and I wasn't aware of how attached and dependent I was on J. I didn't feel it at the time but when I knew he was actually moving out, I became increasingly needy and clingy - as you would if you realise that your partner is moving out against both of your accords. Plus, with the prospect of living on your own for 4 months. It was a big change and I refused to accept the reality of it. This made my life very hard. I was on my own in the flat and I felt I couldn't do anything. I would sit or lie on the couch or my bed and cry. I tried to feel happy about things but it's like I'd been left completely alone. I know my family were there to support me and I knew I had friends that cared about me but it was the simple fact that I didn't have J there with me. I couldn't even listen to music because it would be too often that lyrics would trigger anxiety or sadness. It affected me so much that I had panic attacks and was in a constant state of anxiety when I was on my own. It was a testing 4 months. And it still does test me.
Right now I am on my own in the flat and I do feel okay about it but I do occasionally glance at the clock to see how much time I have left of being on my own. J and I are still together but it's been a rocky 4 months. I felt that it was so unjust of J's parents that I just did not want to see them because the anger inside of me boiled up; I had palpitations and stress levels so high that I just did not want to be in the vicinity of them. Everything they said or did seemed patronising, annoying and nasty at my expense.
Loneliness is such a hard thing to cope with because I felt powerless and frustrated. It was hard to think positively when I wasn't a good enough reason for J to stay with me. I didn't want to sound big-headed and still don't now but I think that I am a good enough reason for J to continue to stay living with me. It was like the next step in our relationship was disrupted and for, in my opinion, a crap reason.
However, throughout the summer I did have some really rewarding and positive experiences. As well as the flat being spotless all the time, I was also the fittest I've ever been in my life. That's including ballet dancing from the age of 4. I am more fit now than I was then. Great! I'm more happy with my physique than ever - even worked myself a nice 6 pack. I can run for 10 km no problem. This is really good progress for me and it was a massive help to me during the summer.
I did make the effort to meet up with friends but they had all gone home too. I felt that everyone I knew around me had fled and this made me feel even more isolated and alone. I kept up my job which was also a huge help. I worked at after school clubs, nurseries and a special needs play scheme that was extremely rewarding. I met lots of people during the summer through my job. It opened a lot of doors for me and it was very exciting. This brought me a lot of happiness and boosted my self-esteem. I also read what I consider the best book that I've ever read. It was almost like it was written for me. The next section/chapter seemed to be the battle I was fighting at the time. This made me think of Carl Jung's theory of Synchronicity.This book that I am referring to is: The Art of Happiness. It talks about guilt, anxiety/worry, anger, frustration, stress and a host of other things humans experience (and animals too). It also gives you advice and examples of meditations that you can do to help you alleviate these negative feelings. It was such a pleasurable read because you really feel like you are in the room with the Dalai Lama and Cutler. I do recommend this book to anyone and everyone. It applies to you no matter how happy you think you are.
About half-way through my gruelling summer, there was a week of bliss. The memories of this are so utopian and rose-tinted. It was literally a holiday in heaven. I went to France with J and his family for a week. We spent half of the holiday in Nice and the other half of the holiday in Greolieres. We stayed in a beautiful hotel just by the sea in Nice. In Greolieres we stayed in an adorable bed and breakfast in the mountains and went to an outdoor Pagan wedding which was just magical. What's more, it was J and I's 3 year anniversary on the same day. It was the perfect day. There is nothing I would change about it. The lovely thing that I took from the holiday was that I got to see fireflies in real life! I had always wanted to see them and I was able to. It was just wonderful.The last day was like a reality check since I knew that things would go back to how they were before the holiday. I knew that I would go back to the flat and J would go to his house. A part of me had hope that J's mum and dad would allow J to move back in. That didn't happen. Going back to an empty flat again was hard as it had so much associated negativity. Admittedly, it wasn't as hard as the first night alone in the flat. I had work the next day so I was busy.
The most surprising thing did happen though. J got a job in the city about a month before the summer ended which meant that he was moving back into the flat. This was great news. It was what I was wanting to hear since the day I knew he had to move out. I felt like I was the only one trying to get him a job in the summer because J was not picking up his slack to find a job, his parents were no longer encouraging to get one because he was at home doing the chores (baring in mind that he was 18 at the time). I felt that I was the only one trying and I felt cheated. When he did get his job, he had to do a training course in London. During this week, he and I hardly spoke to each other which made me feel like I had low priority in his thoughts. This wasn't the case as he told me he was very busy when he came back.
In that week, however, my best friend who had been away for a year had come back from Peru. It was amazing to see her and we talked about our experiences over the last year. It seemed that neither of us had the best time recently but the summer was drawing to a close and that was good news for both of us. I spent a lot of time with friends that week and that along with the prospect of J moving back in was making me happier.
When J did move back in, there was something not quite right. When we met again after he came back from London, I did not feel the same warmth and love from him. He seemed preoccupied with his job and didn't seem to rejoice with me. I was so eager to see him and to get back into how we were but I didn't see the excitement and anticipation in him that I felt. I know that he loved me then and I definitely know that he loves me now. I know and understand that more than ever.
The really scary part was when I questioned myself if I still loved J. This was the most scary thing I asked myself. I asked myself if I really wanted to be with him. Am I with the right person? These questions made me bed-ridden. I was so anxious and scared by myself that I made myself ill. I had sickness and diarrhoea for a week and a half. Thankfully, university didn't start back until the following Monday. I have never been so ill with anxiety before. I tell J everything and this was one of the things I told him. It was a grim time for both of us. He was working full time and I was crying in bed; unable to eat, unable to think straight and shaking with fear. J was distressed and scared. I've never seen him cry in before but I did in August. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The worries haunted me for months.
I'd never let myself think that before and this led me to question everything I thought I knew about myself. I was striving for a reason behind why I was thinking these things and I was stressed because I did not know why I was questioning my feelings. I questioned my own beliefs - am I a devout Catholic? How do I know? I felt like I was loosing the ability to separate what was real and what wasn't. How does anyone know if what they think is just them telling them what to think? How does anyone know what they feel is true? I was questioning myself with all these things because of the questions I was asking. These were huge questions and completely new ones at that. These were questions that were completely alien to me. I never had the capacity to even think to think they were possible questions before and the fact that I was thinking them also scared me.
Two months on and I am feeling better about things. J and I are still together and we are both happier. I reflect on the "old us" and I realise that the relationship wasn't perfect - no relationship is. I feel that I have more self-confidence and I don't just settle for J's decisions all the time. I feel that I can stand my ground better and I feel like I can stand my ground longer. I feel like I've shoved him along the sofa a little bit so I can fit on it more. It feels more equal but I still am trying to get to grips with things. It's like everything stayed the same around me. Nothing major happened externally but I changed a lot inside and I was put to the test.
It's like I'm reintegrating back into a new life where everyone is the same but I am different and that's why the title of this post is what it is. It wasn't going out into the woods for 4 days without food, no roof over your head and no other people around. I had food, I had a roof over my head and there were people around me but I felt that the one person that wasn't makes the experience equivalent because of my mindset and situation. I was too used to J being around, I was too used to getting all of life's happiness from one source - him. When he moved out, so did I. I was left as a shell. I fought myself back but it was not easy. I realise now that I lost myself in so much devotion and so much attachment and it was unhealthy for both of us.
Now, I feel like I've got more of a grip on things and that the world is a big place with so much possibility and opportunity. With that new discovery and realisation (which I know sounds obvious), I was trying, and to a certain extent, still am trying to find out what I want and who I am. But isn't everyone? It was a test. A very hard one. It was also a lesson. I just hope that it brings us both happiness.
Thursday, 30 May 2013
A Time of Change
There has been lots of change since I last wrote on this blog. I feel like I have changed in way that I am starting to realise who I am. I am starting to realise what type of person that I am becoming. At this precise moment I feel like I'm in a state of limbo. Almost (and I want to put this across in the least big-headed way as possible) like a metamorphosis. My boyfriend's mum is a Councillor and she said to me that I am realising my own strength and power. Since she told me this, I am starting to recognise where she is coming from. I feel confident in what I want and what I am doing with my life.
On Tuesday, I went for a job interview at 12 noon and then at 2pm the same day I was offered the job. I still cannot believe it. It is still a bit surreal to me at the moment. I start on Monday and I am so excited. My job consists of working in a special needs primary school over the summer. As you can imagine. I am thrilled and entirely in love with the job since I am doing a Primary Education degree. What an amazing experience to have! This will improve my skills so much and contribute to my professional development as a teacher. I feel relieved that I have this job because I get special training so I will then be able to teach children with special needs more effectively. I am thrilled and absolutely over the moon. One thing I am proud of is that I have never been unsuccessful in an interview. I have only really had 4 big interviews but I was still successful in all of them. Let's hope that continues *touches wooden desk*.
I recently finished a very difficult nursery placement which took everything out of me - emotionally, mentally and physically. I was so adversely affected by the staff that were working there it made me doubt my ability to be a teacher. After the first week, I asked myself, "why on Earth did I think I could do this?" My confidence had got so low that I was actually doubting that I could achieve my dream. I was constantly stressed, didn't eat regular, good meals, didn't exercise and was always tired. This was because of the sheer amount of work that my "mentor" teacher had demanded that I would do on top of the work I had to do for University as well as the fear and pressure that she made me feel. It was a very difficult 4 weeks. I am so glad that I managed to finish it and that I survived the experience of having to deal with a very challenging relationship in a professional setting.
I have also finished my first year of University. As far as I know, I have passed everything well. I have good relationships with my fellow students and tutors. Now it is the summer and I don't start my 2nd year of University until September. In the meantime, I am going to be working, studying and going on holiday! This summer will be great! However, now that it is holiday time I feel that the silent battle between my boyfriend's parents and I is commencing. Whenever it is holiday time, J needs a reason to be living with me (for example, he would have to have a job near the flat). If there is no reason, then he has to go home. I was really peeved about this because shouldn't I be enough of a reason? It's not like we've not been together for very long. We've been together for nearly 3 years (which is quite a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things but it's significant enough especially since we have a home together). Don't get me wrong, I understand their point of view entirely but I think that they are being rather cold-hearted about it. I won't say much more because I would end up boring you but if you have any advice, please comment on this post.
However, all in all, things are happy at the moment. Of course, I simply have to say that J and I are more in love with each other than ever before.
On Tuesday, I went for a job interview at 12 noon and then at 2pm the same day I was offered the job. I still cannot believe it. It is still a bit surreal to me at the moment. I start on Monday and I am so excited. My job consists of working in a special needs primary school over the summer. As you can imagine. I am thrilled and entirely in love with the job since I am doing a Primary Education degree. What an amazing experience to have! This will improve my skills so much and contribute to my professional development as a teacher. I feel relieved that I have this job because I get special training so I will then be able to teach children with special needs more effectively. I am thrilled and absolutely over the moon. One thing I am proud of is that I have never been unsuccessful in an interview. I have only really had 4 big interviews but I was still successful in all of them. Let's hope that continues *touches wooden desk*.I recently finished a very difficult nursery placement which took everything out of me - emotionally, mentally and physically. I was so adversely affected by the staff that were working there it made me doubt my ability to be a teacher. After the first week, I asked myself, "why on Earth did I think I could do this?" My confidence had got so low that I was actually doubting that I could achieve my dream. I was constantly stressed, didn't eat regular, good meals, didn't exercise and was always tired. This was because of the sheer amount of work that my "mentor" teacher had demanded that I would do on top of the work I had to do for University as well as the fear and pressure that she made me feel. It was a very difficult 4 weeks. I am so glad that I managed to finish it and that I survived the experience of having to deal with a very challenging relationship in a professional setting.
I have also finished my first year of University. As far as I know, I have passed everything well. I have good relationships with my fellow students and tutors. Now it is the summer and I don't start my 2nd year of University until September. In the meantime, I am going to be working, studying and going on holiday! This summer will be great! However, now that it is holiday time I feel that the silent battle between my boyfriend's parents and I is commencing. Whenever it is holiday time, J needs a reason to be living with me (for example, he would have to have a job near the flat). If there is no reason, then he has to go home. I was really peeved about this because shouldn't I be enough of a reason? It's not like we've not been together for very long. We've been together for nearly 3 years (which is quite a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things but it's significant enough especially since we have a home together). Don't get me wrong, I understand their point of view entirely but I think that they are being rather cold-hearted about it. I won't say much more because I would end up boring you but if you have any advice, please comment on this post.
However, all in all, things are happy at the moment. Of course, I simply have to say that J and I are more in love with each other than ever before.
Sunday, 7 April 2013
Okay, okay time for a breather...
I have finished my contact hours and all my assignments for my first year of University. Funny that I chose to write this blog post when I wanted a break from writing...I absolutely love my degree. I have learnt so much and I have the most amazing tutor. I literally felt like I was going to cry after 2 hours of meeting her. I feel so privileged to know her and to be able to discuss things with her. I love to hear her opinion on things and I value her wisdom a tremendous amount. I have also made really good new friends.
As of half an hour to an hour ago, I submitted my final essay of the year. I am happy with my essays but I am very scared about them. Last semester, I was very happy with my essays and I think I handled my stress a lot better. This time round, I've been stressed and I've let it affect me. My boyfriend and I have argued more and we generally don't argue which has scared me. I have been less tolerant of things he does that are not always very desirable. I have regretted having a short fuse and I have regretted taking my stress out on him. We are on good terms. We always are. The nice thing about our arguments is that they do not last very long. Before we know it we are back in each other's arms saying how much in love we are with each other.
I am reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer. My friend and I went to see it last night and I thought it was brilliant. Now that I have finished my essays, I can read again! I really enjoyed the Twilight Saga. However, when it became a huge craze and all the movies came out, I did not like how people perceived the books and what it all meant. I preferred it when it was low key and everyone accepted it as it should have been accepted. There are faults with the story as there are with everything but people have made it out to be a really shallow and pathetic obsession when it is simply not. I was obsessed with the books but I do not like the movies. I have watched the first, second and third (once) and I do not want to watch the fourth.So, now that I have no more work that needs doing, I'll be struggling to find things to do. I will find a job (hopefully), read more, do more yoga and I am running the race for life in June.
I have a week's holiday and then I have preparation for my four week placement. It will be a lot of work but I love all things to do with placement so it will be good. I prefer being busy than not, anyway.
Something else that I'll do now that I have more time is to remember that I need to eat regular, nutritious meals. Due to the fact that I've been so busy, I've not been eating well and I feel so guilty because I've not kept up what my family has given me ever since I was born; regular, healthy, hearty and nutritious meals. I'm going to cook some salmon and vegetables NOW. I'm going to, mum, I'm going to.
That's just reminded me. Salmon; fish. Fish; "Finding Nemo". "Finding Nemo"; "FINDING DORY"! I am so excited!
Oh, and I love Ellen Degeneres.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Old Friends and New Books
I have had the most wonderful start to the new year. 2013 has already proven to be a brilliant year. It has already brought me so many things: some new by old friends and some old by new books.
I decided to get in touch with some old friends since I was missing them. We go to the same University but we don't ever see each other since they are at a different part of the campus. Since we met up, I've realised how much I value them as friends. I know I've been at University for a while and that I have made some really nice friends but it was lovely to see some really familiar faces that know who you really are and have gone through some really tough times with you. It made me feel more confident and safe, more able to really talk about things that I couldn't with the friends that are still really quite new.
I've been doing a lot of reading since Christmas. I read, "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" by Stephan Chbosky. I really connected with the book. I felt that I was needed by Charlie. I felt that he needed me to listen to what he had to say, to not talk, just listen. It was purely a way to let him reflect and articulate his thoughts. This way he was able to cope with things that were bothering him or confusing him. Then when I finished the book, I thought about him a lot and worried about him as if he were a real person. I have to admit, I still do! It may sound really silly and dramatic but that's the affect that it had on me. I thought it was a very unique and emotional book. It made me think back to when I was his age or times in my life when I wondered the same kind of things and how I've kept a journal for as long as I've been able to write. I really do recommend it.
The next book I read was "This Side of Paradise" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This read was actually inspired by "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" as "This Side of Paradise" was recommended to Charlie by his English teacher and I wanted to know why. It was about a young man finding himself through a series of events such as University, women, jobs, friends, the war, family and his own interests. I can see why Charlie was recommended this book because he seemed constantly lost throughout the book. I think it was a way to let Charlie know that it was okay to feel lost and to reveal just what was disturbing him, or, to come to terms with the a truth that he was refusing to acknowledge. As for the character of Amory Blaine, I wasn't taken by the young man. I found myself disliking him. However, there were other characters that I definitely disliked more! Such as Rosalind. Ugh, she was just too much for me. Moreover, this book has an extremely satisfying ending. You feel okay to put it down, feel proud of him and you can get on with your day. This wasn't quite the case for Charlie, I didn't feel that I could trust him when he said he was okay and that he was going to stop writing the letters to you. For those of you who haven't read, "This Side of Paradise", I urge that you do. It's beautifully written. After all, it is Fitzgerald's art.
The third book I read is, "Warm Bodies" by Isaac Marion. The evening before, my boyfriend and I went to the cinema to see it. I fell in love with the movie. Plus, it was perfectly timed for the run up of St. Valentine's Day. I know that some people hate St. Valentine's Day but I am one of these people who love it. It is an excellent movie. During the credits I went on the internet to find out if there happened to be a book which the movie was based on. There was. That next morning I ordered it from my Kindle and started reading it in bed. I was hooked from page 1. It didn't take me a very long time to read it. I was delighted to find out that there is a prequel to the book... which I have already got on my Kindle to read. Due to the fact that I read the book so soon after the movie, the book was entirely influenced by what I'd already seen which is not my ideal way of reading. I much prefer to read the book before the movie or even more common for me, avoid the movie entirely. I don't want the movie to skew my own imagination of what the book depicted. I've decided to read other books for a while and then when I've forgotten the movie to a sufficient degree, then I shall read the prequel first and then "Warm Bodies" again. I loved the nature of the book and the film; that love was the cure for such a inhumane disease, that even though The Dead were so numbed by their disease, love still shone through and "exhumed" them. It was so heart-warming and heart-felt - perfect book/movie for me. I felt that the book was better than the movie. It was much more profound, much darker and chillingly romantic. The writing is so beautifully haunting.
Right now, I am reading, "It's Kind of a Funny Story" by Ned Vizzini. It's a very different read compared to "Warm Bodies" or "This Side of Paradise". It's about a teenage boy who feels suicidal. It has similarities to "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". I am enjoying it so far but I felt uncomfortable about the situation he is in and considering that the author himself was in a psychiatric ward whilst writing the book. Reading a novel about that was challenging at first but it is interesting. I am a very sensitive person, sometimes far too sensitive! I get myself worked up about things that happen in books or films and I use a lot of energy worrying about things that I don't have to be worrying about. I am very in-tune with my emotions and I cannot hide them. I've tried but it just builds up I burst out with it at a very high intensity! I don't try to hide them anymore. Partly because I don't feel like I have to (something that my boyfriend's mother has taught me).
I've also been reading an academic book which is related to my University course that I make notes on, research and dissect. I think it is excellent. I am thoroughly enjoying it and it has brought me a lot of advantages. I found it very useful to write my latest assignment, ideas for lessons and presentations and a more holistic idea of what my role as a teacher is. It is called, "Social Justice Re-examined: dilemmas and solutions for the classroom teacher", Editors: Rowena Arshad, Terry Wrigley and Lynne Pratt. I strongly recommend that all teachers (students and qualified) should read this. It is invaluable. I think I will give it as a gift to everyone's birthday on my course and all the teachers that I know.
When I met my friends, we swapped books and "It's Kind of a Funny Story" is one of them. We exchange books and newly acquired music tastes or new bands/artists that we like. It's really nice to have friends that you can exchange things with and knowing that your interests and possessions will be greatly valued. I feel really lucky with the friends that I have and what the books I've read have given me. It has been verified time and time again that books and friends really are two of many of life's most important things. I suppose those things could be simplified in to three big things: love, respect and imagination.
I decided to get in touch with some old friends since I was missing them. We go to the same University but we don't ever see each other since they are at a different part of the campus. Since we met up, I've realised how much I value them as friends. I know I've been at University for a while and that I have made some really nice friends but it was lovely to see some really familiar faces that know who you really are and have gone through some really tough times with you. It made me feel more confident and safe, more able to really talk about things that I couldn't with the friends that are still really quite new.
I've been doing a lot of reading since Christmas. I read, "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" by Stephan Chbosky. I really connected with the book. I felt that I was needed by Charlie. I felt that he needed me to listen to what he had to say, to not talk, just listen. It was purely a way to let him reflect and articulate his thoughts. This way he was able to cope with things that were bothering him or confusing him. Then when I finished the book, I thought about him a lot and worried about him as if he were a real person. I have to admit, I still do! It may sound really silly and dramatic but that's the affect that it had on me. I thought it was a very unique and emotional book. It made me think back to when I was his age or times in my life when I wondered the same kind of things and how I've kept a journal for as long as I've been able to write. I really do recommend it.
The next book I read was "This Side of Paradise" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This read was actually inspired by "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" as "This Side of Paradise" was recommended to Charlie by his English teacher and I wanted to know why. It was about a young man finding himself through a series of events such as University, women, jobs, friends, the war, family and his own interests. I can see why Charlie was recommended this book because he seemed constantly lost throughout the book. I think it was a way to let Charlie know that it was okay to feel lost and to reveal just what was disturbing him, or, to come to terms with the a truth that he was refusing to acknowledge. As for the character of Amory Blaine, I wasn't taken by the young man. I found myself disliking him. However, there were other characters that I definitely disliked more! Such as Rosalind. Ugh, she was just too much for me. Moreover, this book has an extremely satisfying ending. You feel okay to put it down, feel proud of him and you can get on with your day. This wasn't quite the case for Charlie, I didn't feel that I could trust him when he said he was okay and that he was going to stop writing the letters to you. For those of you who haven't read, "This Side of Paradise", I urge that you do. It's beautifully written. After all, it is Fitzgerald's art.
Right now, I am reading, "It's Kind of a Funny Story" by Ned Vizzini. It's a very different read compared to "Warm Bodies" or "This Side of Paradise". It's about a teenage boy who feels suicidal. It has similarities to "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". I am enjoying it so far but I felt uncomfortable about the situation he is in and considering that the author himself was in a psychiatric ward whilst writing the book. Reading a novel about that was challenging at first but it is interesting. I am a very sensitive person, sometimes far too sensitive! I get myself worked up about things that happen in books or films and I use a lot of energy worrying about things that I don't have to be worrying about. I am very in-tune with my emotions and I cannot hide them. I've tried but it just builds up I burst out with it at a very high intensity! I don't try to hide them anymore. Partly because I don't feel like I have to (something that my boyfriend's mother has taught me).I've also been reading an academic book which is related to my University course that I make notes on, research and dissect. I think it is excellent. I am thoroughly enjoying it and it has brought me a lot of advantages. I found it very useful to write my latest assignment, ideas for lessons and presentations and a more holistic idea of what my role as a teacher is. It is called, "Social Justice Re-examined: dilemmas and solutions for the classroom teacher", Editors: Rowena Arshad, Terry Wrigley and Lynne Pratt. I strongly recommend that all teachers (students and qualified) should read this. It is invaluable. I think I will give it as a gift to everyone's birthday on my course and all the teachers that I know.
When I met my friends, we swapped books and "It's Kind of a Funny Story" is one of them. We exchange books and newly acquired music tastes or new bands/artists that we like. It's really nice to have friends that you can exchange things with and knowing that your interests and possessions will be greatly valued. I feel really lucky with the friends that I have and what the books I've read have given me. It has been verified time and time again that books and friends really are two of many of life's most important things. I suppose those things could be simplified in to three big things: love, respect and imagination.
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