So in my last post I spoke about starting to realise who I really am and finding my own strength. This was true but it brought me into a place that was very vulnerable. Almost like I was thrown into the deep end far too soon. This was very scary. During my summer my boyfriend moved out. Not because of relationship problems (but this made me realise that our relationship wasn't the flawless, perfect relationship I was so utterly convinced it was) but because of a "deal" J and his parents made as part of him living with me. They pay for his rent and did so all summer but unless he had a job in the city or "another good reason" that meant that he had to stay here, he was to stay at home. This "deal" to this very moment fills me with so much frustration and anger as I still don't fully understand it.
It caused us both a lot of stress. We had been living together for 1 year and I wasn't aware of how attached and dependent I was on J. I didn't feel it at the time but when I knew he was actually moving out, I became increasingly needy and clingy - as you would if you realise that your partner is moving out against both of your accords. Plus, with the prospect of living on your own for 4 months. It was a big change and I refused to accept the reality of it. This made my life very hard. I was on my own in the flat and I felt I couldn't do anything. I would sit or lie on the couch or my bed and cry. I tried to feel happy about things but it's like I'd been left completely alone. I know my family were there to support me and I knew I had friends that cared about me but it was the simple fact that I didn't have J there with me. I couldn't even listen to music because it would be too often that lyrics would trigger anxiety or sadness. It affected me so much that I had panic attacks and was in a constant state of anxiety when I was on my own. It was a testing 4 months. And it still does test me.
Right now I am on my own in the flat and I do feel okay about it but I do occasionally glance at the clock to see how much time I have left of being on my own. J and I are still together but it's been a rocky 4 months. I felt that it was so unjust of J's parents that I just did not want to see them because the anger inside of me boiled up; I had palpitations and stress levels so high that I just did not want to be in the vicinity of them. Everything they said or did seemed patronising, annoying and nasty at my expense.
Loneliness is such a hard thing to cope with because I felt powerless and frustrated. It was hard to think positively when I wasn't a good enough reason for J to stay with me. I didn't want to sound big-headed and still don't now but I think that I am a good enough reason for J to continue to stay living with me. It was like the next step in our relationship was disrupted and for, in my opinion, a crap reason.
However, throughout the summer I did have some really rewarding and positive experiences. As well as the flat being spotless all the time, I was also the fittest I've ever been in my life. That's including ballet dancing from the age of 4. I am more fit now than I was then. Great! I'm more happy with my physique than ever - even worked myself a nice 6 pack. I can run for 10 km no problem. This is really good progress for me and it was a massive help to me during the summer.
I did make the effort to meet up with friends but they had all gone home too. I felt that everyone I knew around me had fled and this made me feel even more isolated and alone. I kept up my job which was also a huge help. I worked at after school clubs, nurseries and a special needs play scheme that was extremely rewarding. I met lots of people during the summer through my job. It opened a lot of doors for me and it was very exciting. This brought me a lot of happiness and boosted my self-esteem. I also read what I consider the best book that I've ever read. It was almost like it was written for me. The next section/chapter seemed to be the battle I was fighting at the time. This made me think of Carl Jung's theory of Synchronicity.This book that I am referring to is: The Art of Happiness. It talks about guilt, anxiety/worry, anger, frustration, stress and a host of other things humans experience (and animals too). It also gives you advice and examples of meditations that you can do to help you alleviate these negative feelings. It was such a pleasurable read because you really feel like you are in the room with the Dalai Lama and Cutler. I do recommend this book to anyone and everyone. It applies to you no matter how happy you think you are.
About half-way through my gruelling summer, there was a week of bliss. The memories of this are so utopian and rose-tinted. It was literally a holiday in heaven. I went to France with J and his family for a week. We spent half of the holiday in Nice and the other half of the holiday in Greolieres. We stayed in a beautiful hotel just by the sea in Nice. In Greolieres we stayed in an adorable bed and breakfast in the mountains and went to an outdoor Pagan wedding which was just magical. What's more, it was J and I's 3 year anniversary on the same day. It was the perfect day. There is nothing I would change about it. The lovely thing that I took from the holiday was that I got to see fireflies in real life! I had always wanted to see them and I was able to. It was just wonderful.The last day was like a reality check since I knew that things would go back to how they were before the holiday. I knew that I would go back to the flat and J would go to his house. A part of me had hope that J's mum and dad would allow J to move back in. That didn't happen. Going back to an empty flat again was hard as it had so much associated negativity. Admittedly, it wasn't as hard as the first night alone in the flat. I had work the next day so I was busy.
The most surprising thing did happen though. J got a job in the city about a month before the summer ended which meant that he was moving back into the flat. This was great news. It was what I was wanting to hear since the day I knew he had to move out. I felt like I was the only one trying to get him a job in the summer because J was not picking up his slack to find a job, his parents were no longer encouraging to get one because he was at home doing the chores (baring in mind that he was 18 at the time). I felt that I was the only one trying and I felt cheated. When he did get his job, he had to do a training course in London. During this week, he and I hardly spoke to each other which made me feel like I had low priority in his thoughts. This wasn't the case as he told me he was very busy when he came back.
In that week, however, my best friend who had been away for a year had come back from Peru. It was amazing to see her and we talked about our experiences over the last year. It seemed that neither of us had the best time recently but the summer was drawing to a close and that was good news for both of us. I spent a lot of time with friends that week and that along with the prospect of J moving back in was making me happier.
When J did move back in, there was something not quite right. When we met again after he came back from London, I did not feel the same warmth and love from him. He seemed preoccupied with his job and didn't seem to rejoice with me. I was so eager to see him and to get back into how we were but I didn't see the excitement and anticipation in him that I felt. I know that he loved me then and I definitely know that he loves me now. I know and understand that more than ever.
The really scary part was when I questioned myself if I still loved J. This was the most scary thing I asked myself. I asked myself if I really wanted to be with him. Am I with the right person? These questions made me bed-ridden. I was so anxious and scared by myself that I made myself ill. I had sickness and diarrhoea for a week and a half. Thankfully, university didn't start back until the following Monday. I have never been so ill with anxiety before. I tell J everything and this was one of the things I told him. It was a grim time for both of us. He was working full time and I was crying in bed; unable to eat, unable to think straight and shaking with fear. J was distressed and scared. I've never seen him cry in before but I did in August. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The worries haunted me for months.
I'd never let myself think that before and this led me to question everything I thought I knew about myself. I was striving for a reason behind why I was thinking these things and I was stressed because I did not know why I was questioning my feelings. I questioned my own beliefs - am I a devout Catholic? How do I know? I felt like I was loosing the ability to separate what was real and what wasn't. How does anyone know if what they think is just them telling them what to think? How does anyone know what they feel is true? I was questioning myself with all these things because of the questions I was asking. These were huge questions and completely new ones at that. These were questions that were completely alien to me. I never had the capacity to even think to think they were possible questions before and the fact that I was thinking them also scared me.
Two months on and I am feeling better about things. J and I are still together and we are both happier. I reflect on the "old us" and I realise that the relationship wasn't perfect - no relationship is. I feel that I have more self-confidence and I don't just settle for J's decisions all the time. I feel that I can stand my ground better and I feel like I can stand my ground longer. I feel like I've shoved him along the sofa a little bit so I can fit on it more. It feels more equal but I still am trying to get to grips with things. It's like everything stayed the same around me. Nothing major happened externally but I changed a lot inside and I was put to the test.
It's like I'm reintegrating back into a new life where everyone is the same but I am different and that's why the title of this post is what it is. It wasn't going out into the woods for 4 days without food, no roof over your head and no other people around. I had food, I had a roof over my head and there were people around me but I felt that the one person that wasn't makes the experience equivalent because of my mindset and situation. I was too used to J being around, I was too used to getting all of life's happiness from one source - him. When he moved out, so did I. I was left as a shell. I fought myself back but it was not easy. I realise now that I lost myself in so much devotion and so much attachment and it was unhealthy for both of us.
Now, I feel like I've got more of a grip on things and that the world is a big place with so much possibility and opportunity. With that new discovery and realisation (which I know sounds obvious), I was trying, and to a certain extent, still am trying to find out what I want and who I am. But isn't everyone? It was a test. A very hard one. It was also a lesson. I just hope that it brings us both happiness.
